you have got to find out

i don't think you know this, or even sorta realize but every time you talk about him i get jealous.

just the high of laughter we shared

alrighty,

so i was just thinking about you, i know you may know this already but i'm never going to forget, i drunkly told you my plan, but seriously that is just how much you affect me, for the better and worse. i loved you then, and now.

i recently read over my blogs, and i am happy that after everything we remained friends.

you are my rock. the centre of me. you are family, my lover, and my best friend. my constant. I love you. thank you for always being there for me, no matter where life will lead us, from you living a 10 minute drive away to you now living a 2 hour bus ride away, to me wanting to move all over the world. I know i will have a way to contact you, send you updates. thank you for everything you have done for me. you are so beautiful by the way. :)

and for you, when i move all around the world, i hope that in the end i will fall back with you. because i can't see myself with anyone else, because you are everything i want to ever have. but you aren't going to stop me from my dreams, and i know you don't want too. but after i am done, i'll give you a call. but for now lets keep at this challenge baby. ;) things have never been so good, so great. it was always you, i hope you know that. i never forgot about you, i just needed you to see that i am willing to leave if you didn't start treating me like i needed to be treated. and you did that, and beyond.

can we? please?

You were there to wear it from the start.

Alright,

I'm so tired all the time. Physically and mentally. Yet I won't stop working because i know where i'm working to go. Speaking of. I'm getting nervous, there is no way i'm not going. I need to go, I've worked my actually ass off to go. but I'll be all the way over there alone. thats pretty scary, and I've become so antisocial and awkward. I just don't want to be around other people, its so hard to find time and stuff.

I have so much homework, and yet i write two lines, then think i need to listen to much then i go on tumblr and then i go on here... awkward.

Oh well. :P I'll get it done.

I miss so many people, but i have no urge to actually get up and see them. I'm pretty sure i could just stay in bed with two people all day and be happy. :)

Overall, life is great at the moment.

I honestly feel like a horrible person.

Not this time around.

I don't understand why I feel like this now. I hate feeling jealous. It seems the more that I begin to like him more, the more i think about you. I don't want to be with you. I don't need you. i don't even know. You are not who I want, or even can have at this moment in time. Stop occupying my brain, and let me move on.

Damn you Taylor Swift...

I feel like a slut.

Sunday Bloody Sunday

I do not need that guilt, i get enough for just being with you... I really wish this easier, its easier when i'm with you. Just when I talk about you I get all this crap, and looks from everyone, I knew my opinion on you was the same as everyones, but things change, and I didn't know you. And right now in this moment in time I do like her, and I do enjoy being around her. And I do understand why she's not coming. But I do not need extra shit right now.

I'm thinking if i just explode maybe things will be better?

I'm not sure what the fuck I'm doing with my fuck tard of a life at the moment. Its actually making my stomach feel sick.

its getting late and i don't mind.

Two guys and Two girls.. sounds like a porn. Would make my life much more simplier.

You are one of the nicest, and best guys I have met. You're smart, kind, caring, loving, asks to hang out, plans things, texts me first, good looking, and have some funny moments. Someone I can acutally see myself with, yet i can't, and do not want this to go anywhere, but where it is. I really should explain that to you.

You, I am completly in love with you. When I'm around you and I fall in love with you everytime. You know just how to kiss me. you know how to make me laugh, and when you hold me I could be no where else in the world. I can see a far distance future with you. But you are not the person i should be with either. From what I have come to realize you need to grow up, stop smoking weed everyday, and you need to go somewhere with your life. But yet I can't stop myself from falling in love with you, and wanting to be with you.

You, I'm definitly attracted to you, which is a problem. I get slight jealously feelings from you, which is also a problem. You are a problem madame. But I feel as though I'm handling you pretty well.

You, I'm acutally really happy for you. you weren't happy then, and I see that now. Thank you for teaching me so much stuff about everything. I very much hope that we remain friends.

Grad was great, it still hasn't sunk in yet.. i do not know what I'm waiting for...

I do not know how to react, i do not know what to say, how to act. But I do not want what you are suggesting. But i do understand, and I will do anything for you in this time. You have done so much for me, its the least i can do for you. Maybe change is a good thing.

I feel as though i have a lot on my shoulders at the moment, and being tired from dry grad isn't helping. I do not like stress.

You're beautiful, and i wish that you will find someone that tickles you're fancy that you also tickle their fancy, and i hope this person is wonderful, and treats you like an angel, because you deserve no less, and i love you ever so dearly.

these worries are so heavy

If this was anyone else, I'd be gone so fast. I love you so much, but I fear you won't come through on what you say. I feel like I'm your number 2, Like once you get sick of her you'll move back to me. I hate thinking like that, and you said that wasn't the reason. But its just how I feel. I hate waiting, and I still hate this. Honestly i do not know what to do, its not like I can walk away, cause I have nothing to walk away from. This is stupid, how can you say you love me so much, yet you need to finish with her.

This is such a piss off, everything about it. I thought I understood, but nope. I have no idea. You are pushing me away I hope you realize that, making me angry. I really hope this is worth it.
I'm angry. I'm sad. I just want to be with you again, why does this have to be so hard.

I just had coffee, so I'm not in the mood to do anything.. Oops, oh well.

Okay, my life:
I don't understand how someone can turn around and do what you did to me. I honestly gave you everything. I do understand though you changing you're mind, I'm not angry about that. But how you told me, and what you did after. I am getting over you, i can be around you and not give a shit. But I'm not quite there, oh well.

If you do what I think you are going to do I'm going to slap you. No joke.

I am so excited for pure fun, oh man. I thought I wouldn't be able the kind of person who does this, but I don't think of myself as that kind of person, I just want some fun. And this will be no doubt fun. oh man. Living the wild side.

If you weren't such a know-it-all I could actually like you.

I feel lonely sometimes, and I don't like it.

I love you, you're a great person, and thank you for always being here for me.

I gave you all.

I've discovered that I have many flaws that could prove to be a problem in my later life. But I have no desire to change them. Which is also part of my problem.

I know I have said this before, but I need to move on. I don't want too, but I need too. Feeling this way is not healthy. It would also be nice for you to not play on my feelings, I know I don't stop you, cause well during the moment I love it, but its late at night as it is now, that I hate it. I look back, and want more of it. But I know that right now you're with someone else, getting what I want. And it hurts. You don't care though.

I don't know if I just forgot, or I put a mental blocker up. Maybe it wasn't that big of a deal, maybe I was just over reacting. I don't know what. I feel foolish. How do you stop something you want so much. I feel like I've dealt with this before.

And you were right, I remember now.

If you need directions I will be your guide for all time.

I feel tired, not necessarily physically tired, but emotionally tired. You use me so much, you play with my emotions. If I was any weaker than i already am I would be really bothered by it. But those walls I built up are working. I won't lie, I have a need for you. I miss you when we are together. and it sucks. But there is so much pressure. But I don't want it to go away, well the pressure i want to go away. but I want this friendship to stay. I just... I don't really know. Its all so confusing. But not really, I'm just making it more confusing. Jealously is not a good feeling

Oh another thing. How did I come back from that so fast, how can i trust you again so easily. That just doesn't make any sense. I think if the roles were reserved our friendship would be over. I don't know what that makes me? the better person? or a stupid person? I guess only the future will tell me.

I want so bad.

That had nothing to do with it.

I feel so not confident about things now. I hate it.

If you could only see the beast you've made of me

My mind is racing with so many thoughts, I hate this part of being a female.

I want you. I'm feeling jealous, and I forgot that I hate this feeling. I want you, I'm thinking I want to be more than what we are. But I'm scared that would ruin it. I don't know how to explain it. I don't just want to jump into relationships again that got me no where in life. I have learned a lot. We would be so amazing together. I don't know what to do, honestly I don't. My mind flips around all the time. I want you, thats pretty much constant, that doesn't go away. I haven't this is kind of feeling before. I wish things would just fall into place, why are things so hard. Go with the flow, and see where things go. Its hard.

Nothing is going to happen, I'm sorry. I don't want to hurt you.

Maybe I should just make myself not attached to other people. I have all these people who I use to not feel lonely. Maybe I need to make myself fully alone. To be able to find out what I want.

You asked me never to leave you, but what if i need to. To find out what I want to do with you.

Its becoming to much, I need to cut back again. Pull out some will power.

I like my classes. They are really good.

Why are you so smart, you saw this coming, and here it is.

Hanging out with you made me miss you. But I will not fall back to you. I can't be with you again, i need better.. Relationships should not be that hard.

Okay I'm done.

When they said speak now.

I feel like you were a great part of my life. I won't ever forgot all our great times. You taught me things about myself, about relationships. I will always love you, in one way or another, you will hold a place in my heart. I'm happy how we ended, you seemed to understand, to feel the same as me. I have nothing more to really say about you though. Good bye.

You're not a home wrecker LOL. but you did help me lean away from him. But you're amazing, and I love being around you, kissing you, making you laugh. I love what we have, just this, really i want nothing more.

Even though i have her, i want to date other people, the idea of dating seems like a blast right now. Oh golly i'm excited for the single life. I know i've said this before but i really want to be single for awhile now, its been like a year and a half singe i've really been single for awhile.

thats all i really have to say right now. Even though I should be upset in this time of my life, i'm pretty happy with my life at the moment.

And you girl,

I love you, thank you for being here for me. :)

You and I walk a fragile line.

I feel sad, but I don't feel like I made a mistake. I don't regret this. I really do need this. I hope you understand. I love you, and always will in one way or another. You know that. I don't know when I will want to come back to you. But I need to figure some things out, even though I don't know what I need to figure out. I'm lost. Just don't forget that I love you, and I'm so not happier without you. With you I was a blissful kind of happy. Now I'm confused, lost, and sad.

You're fun, but this isn't going anywhere. I hope you know that and don't get attached. You're a good guy and all, but as I stated above I'm lost, and you help me forget. I don't want to hurt you too.

And you. You're beautiful. I love spending times with you, you make me laugh. That look you give me, and that voice makes me feel like great. But I'm putting up a wall, you're going to hurt me. Which is fine, you warned me. But I don't know what to do, for my sanity I should pull away, but for yours I think you need me to be there for you. So I will be there for you. We aren't classified as anything really, maybe dating, but you can still be with other people right? I think so.

Sometimes it scares me how much I influence you. I hope if you find out about above that you will be fine. But you are wonderful, the world is not a bad place, you just need to look for the good in it. Smile a bit more, I'm always here for you.

Its over. Sorry. We aren't going back to how it used to be.

What are we? Am I allowed to do that? I feel guitly. But I don't think I should. I'm allowed to do that. It's been a year!