then you take it away.

don't you understand that i cant physically and mentally tell you to leave me. I am no where near strong enough. i know you see what i am going through you, you say you understand. but then why can't you see that i was asking you to leave me. you need to leave me alone. you are hanging on to someone who only hurts others. for your own sanity i cant process why you would even want to be here. I won't bring you happiness, i will pull you in and then push you down. im more fucked up then you realize. but i border line need you, which terrifies me beyond belief. never have i ever wanted to be in this position. i know what i need to do, but i don't have enough in me to make me do it.

hold my hands up. breath in and breath out.

I am sad. and lost.

and it keeps on coming

I hurt everywhere. My insides feel like they weigh more than they ever have and its just dragging me down somewhere. i don't know how to stop this feeling.

This is worse then it seems

I have no idea if i am just exhausted or sad. I think its both. You are my best friend but I cannot be with you anymore. I just can't. I am a different person than the one you knew in Greece. I don't know who that person is I don't know what I want. I don't what to do where to go. My life here is totally different and I don't know what my next move is. You're hurting but I'm scared shitless. You were all I had to come back too you would be by my side everytime i needed you but i can't let that happen anymore. I will not fall back into my old single ways. 

Come September at least. 

You live very far away stop making me want to talk to you all the time. 

You don't talk, you don't say nothing

I am to young to feel that way, I feel as though I should distance myself from you. You are so seriously in love with me. But as soon as you said that I saw an ending I can see the finish line. I don't know if that makes me relax or just makes me... i have no idea. I don't like that idea you put in my head, but  you put it there and its not going anywhere.
I am honestly thinking I am going to break down every once in awhile, but I don't really have time too. I need to work, I need to make people happy, I need to make money, I need to do many things. I really don't do much but yet I feel overwhelmed.
That is honestly to far. I fucking hate ICBC... or well not really them, well the guy i have to talk too, i hate him, but i hate the fucking retard i tapped. I won't even say hit, because there needs to be more of an impact behind that. Oh well.
Greece Samantha Greece. Just get there. Relax. Breath. Don't think. Live. Laugh. Love. You got this. Dreams really do come true sometimes
I make no sense.

I am the same as I was in your arms.

I am in love with you. I have fallen hard. I love you. So much. Every moment of the day. Everything about you even the things that I hate. I have given all of myself to you I trust you with all my dark secrets. I am so much in love with you.

It's night like tonight where I can't sleep that I realize how much I truly do love you and all your flaws. In your forgiving arms I feel as though my life is figured out and that no matter where I go in life I will always be welcome into your arms. I feel horrible for having hurt you so badly but I have never regretted what I did. And I know you feel how much this has changed. I am nervous for our futures but why fret on that now, I am going to love you that I know for sure.

I am in this rut that involves being anti social besides being with Trevor. But being with him is so easy which is why I am always with him. All I do is work sleep study and read. Mostly read. I do not know if I should try and break out of this rut, I am not going to lie I am content. I am also so tired all the time.

With being in this rut I have been neglectful of my friendship duties... And I feel horrible about that. And I am here to talk whenever you need me.

No matter what happens I am going to be your side. You can move to the other side of Canada and I will go with you. You sacrificed so much for me and I want you to be happy. And if this isn't then I'll make sure you don't spend nights alone. You are my best friend after all and it's only right that now that I am old enough we take turns taking care of each other. I got your back.

you have got to find out

i don't think you know this, or even sorta realize but every time you talk about him i get jealous.

just the high of laughter we shared

alrighty,

so i was just thinking about you, i know you may know this already but i'm never going to forget, i drunkly told you my plan, but seriously that is just how much you affect me, for the better and worse. i loved you then, and now.

i recently read over my blogs, and i am happy that after everything we remained friends.

you are my rock. the centre of me. you are family, my lover, and my best friend. my constant. I love you. thank you for always being there for me, no matter where life will lead us, from you living a 10 minute drive away to you now living a 2 hour bus ride away, to me wanting to move all over the world. I know i will have a way to contact you, send you updates. thank you for everything you have done for me. you are so beautiful by the way. :)

and for you, when i move all around the world, i hope that in the end i will fall back with you. because i can't see myself with anyone else, because you are everything i want to ever have. but you aren't going to stop me from my dreams, and i know you don't want too. but after i am done, i'll give you a call. but for now lets keep at this challenge baby. ;) things have never been so good, so great. it was always you, i hope you know that. i never forgot about you, i just needed you to see that i am willing to leave if you didn't start treating me like i needed to be treated. and you did that, and beyond.

can we? please?

You were there to wear it from the start.

Alright,

I'm so tired all the time. Physically and mentally. Yet I won't stop working because i know where i'm working to go. Speaking of. I'm getting nervous, there is no way i'm not going. I need to go, I've worked my actually ass off to go. but I'll be all the way over there alone. thats pretty scary, and I've become so antisocial and awkward. I just don't want to be around other people, its so hard to find time and stuff.

I have so much homework, and yet i write two lines, then think i need to listen to much then i go on tumblr and then i go on here... awkward.

Oh well. :P I'll get it done.

I miss so many people, but i have no urge to actually get up and see them. I'm pretty sure i could just stay in bed with two people all day and be happy. :)

Overall, life is great at the moment.

I honestly feel like a horrible person.

Not this time around.

I don't understand why I feel like this now. I hate feeling jealous. It seems the more that I begin to like him more, the more i think about you. I don't want to be with you. I don't need you. i don't even know. You are not who I want, or even can have at this moment in time. Stop occupying my brain, and let me move on.

Damn you Taylor Swift...

I feel like a slut.

Sunday Bloody Sunday

I do not need that guilt, i get enough for just being with you... I really wish this easier, its easier when i'm with you. Just when I talk about you I get all this crap, and looks from everyone, I knew my opinion on you was the same as everyones, but things change, and I didn't know you. And right now in this moment in time I do like her, and I do enjoy being around her. And I do understand why she's not coming. But I do not need extra shit right now.

I'm thinking if i just explode maybe things will be better?

I'm not sure what the fuck I'm doing with my fuck tard of a life at the moment. Its actually making my stomach feel sick.

its getting late and i don't mind.

Two guys and Two girls.. sounds like a porn. Would make my life much more simplier.

You are one of the nicest, and best guys I have met. You're smart, kind, caring, loving, asks to hang out, plans things, texts me first, good looking, and have some funny moments. Someone I can acutally see myself with, yet i can't, and do not want this to go anywhere, but where it is. I really should explain that to you.

You, I am completly in love with you. When I'm around you and I fall in love with you everytime. You know just how to kiss me. you know how to make me laugh, and when you hold me I could be no where else in the world. I can see a far distance future with you. But you are not the person i should be with either. From what I have come to realize you need to grow up, stop smoking weed everyday, and you need to go somewhere with your life. But yet I can't stop myself from falling in love with you, and wanting to be with you.

You, I'm definitly attracted to you, which is a problem. I get slight jealously feelings from you, which is also a problem. You are a problem madame. But I feel as though I'm handling you pretty well.

You, I'm acutally really happy for you. you weren't happy then, and I see that now. Thank you for teaching me so much stuff about everything. I very much hope that we remain friends.

Grad was great, it still hasn't sunk in yet.. i do not know what I'm waiting for...

I do not know how to react, i do not know what to say, how to act. But I do not want what you are suggesting. But i do understand, and I will do anything for you in this time. You have done so much for me, its the least i can do for you. Maybe change is a good thing.

I feel as though i have a lot on my shoulders at the moment, and being tired from dry grad isn't helping. I do not like stress.

You're beautiful, and i wish that you will find someone that tickles you're fancy that you also tickle their fancy, and i hope this person is wonderful, and treats you like an angel, because you deserve no less, and i love you ever so dearly.

these worries are so heavy

If this was anyone else, I'd be gone so fast. I love you so much, but I fear you won't come through on what you say. I feel like I'm your number 2, Like once you get sick of her you'll move back to me. I hate thinking like that, and you said that wasn't the reason. But its just how I feel. I hate waiting, and I still hate this. Honestly i do not know what to do, its not like I can walk away, cause I have nothing to walk away from. This is stupid, how can you say you love me so much, yet you need to finish with her.

This is such a piss off, everything about it. I thought I understood, but nope. I have no idea. You are pushing me away I hope you realize that, making me angry. I really hope this is worth it.
I'm angry. I'm sad. I just want to be with you again, why does this have to be so hard.

I just had coffee, so I'm not in the mood to do anything.. Oops, oh well.

Okay, my life:
I don't understand how someone can turn around and do what you did to me. I honestly gave you everything. I do understand though you changing you're mind, I'm not angry about that. But how you told me, and what you did after. I am getting over you, i can be around you and not give a shit. But I'm not quite there, oh well.

If you do what I think you are going to do I'm going to slap you. No joke.

I am so excited for pure fun, oh man. I thought I wouldn't be able the kind of person who does this, but I don't think of myself as that kind of person, I just want some fun. And this will be no doubt fun. oh man. Living the wild side.

If you weren't such a know-it-all I could actually like you.

I feel lonely sometimes, and I don't like it.

I love you, you're a great person, and thank you for always being here for me.

I gave you all.

I've discovered that I have many flaws that could prove to be a problem in my later life. But I have no desire to change them. Which is also part of my problem.

I know I have said this before, but I need to move on. I don't want too, but I need too. Feeling this way is not healthy. It would also be nice for you to not play on my feelings, I know I don't stop you, cause well during the moment I love it, but its late at night as it is now, that I hate it. I look back, and want more of it. But I know that right now you're with someone else, getting what I want. And it hurts. You don't care though.

I don't know if I just forgot, or I put a mental blocker up. Maybe it wasn't that big of a deal, maybe I was just over reacting. I don't know what. I feel foolish. How do you stop something you want so much. I feel like I've dealt with this before.

And you were right, I remember now.